Life Between Gears

23 07 2009

The main reason I started this blog was that I wanted to communicate my life to my family while I was in New Zealand. It’s far more quick and easy to dissemble information over the internet than it is to call everyone and tell them everything individually. Since I started walkingintherain two years ago, it has turned into something more like a processing plant. I chuck things out and see how they are recieved, whether deep or shallow, and move from there. I’ve talked about life, I’ve written stories, I’ve tried to share a bit of who I am, and I’ve written entire posts about goats. You have all born with me beautifully and I thank you.

These days I am often too tired to write anything. Work, commissioned paintings, emotional apathy and busyness have kept me from posting anything other than the littlest posts. I’m staring down the face of a massive change in my life- uncomfortable with the idea of living someplace other than “home” and unsure of what my place is in NC. I’ve always known my place, you know? I’ve always known, if not what any particular day would look like, at least what the overarching theme of existence was. That’s changing in September and instead of being scary it feels a little lonely. Me without my structure. The good news is that I trust the Lord 100% and there is always Glory Carr to fall over on when I’m feeling far-from-home-ish.

What brings up all this emotional vomitishposting? Ah. A strange thing indeed: Tim Burton’s remake of Alice in Wonderland. Yes, believe it or not, Tim Burton has pushed me straight over the edge. (Though I wouldn’t be the first person he’s done that to, I’m sure!)  And I say it with humor but I’ve got to tell you that this is very difficult for me. 

I.Want.To.Make.Movies. It’s been a central theme of my life for almost ten years now. That’s a long time for a twenty-two year old. It frustrates me that creative genius or no, a man with a spiritual bent like the one Tim Burton has is being funded to make creepy weird movies! I mean, I may not know anything about making movies but I learn fast and I have the God of the Universe (the ORIGINAL creative genius) on my side. I CAN DO THIS!

Ever since I was eighteen I’ve been almost constantly frustrated by the fact that I’m NOT waking up every day and driving to a film set. It made me sad to write the e-mail telling The American Academy of Dramatic Arts that I will not be attending in fall. (Somehow in my mind the best way for a pretty, non-technically-trained girl to get into movies is to study acting.) The worst of it is that I have no good reason for why this all gets to me so much! Actors make me tired, I like non-stressful environments, my patience for foolishness is minimal and I have performance anxiety. And yet… 

Pfft!

Anyway. Tonight at work I went into an empty rehearsal room and just danced for a while. My age is telling- I’m less flexible than I was and it’s been too long since I’ve had a class- but it was good. Restful and fun even while it made my heart ache. 

I’m not really this melancholy all the time. I promise you that. It’s just part of the process. A combination of winding down from the wedding and revving up for the move. I’m in between gears and it’s hard on my engine. 

Believing God for the very best and being thankful for the little things.

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5 responses

24 07 2009
Jennifer James

urgh. I understand the heartache. I think God has something good for you in NC. I’m excited to see what it turns out to be. Loves.

25 07 2009
Mother Smith

My gosh little girl….I’m with Sis!! Know God has something great for you!!
Thanks for sharing with us your journey…

29 07 2009
granny the great

I have to join the chorus– God is good, and He has good plans for you, tho we would like to be selfish and keep you here!!!

29 07 2009
Meghan

Thanks Granny! You are a peach.

12 08 2009
Jenny

Hey! We’ve been sitting down with my friend Ryan about starting a production company… its forming… mission statement to come… he too wants to make movies… wants to challenge postmodern thinking… wants to make people think and breathe life through film. Heartaches…I’ve been told need to be hunted down and dealt with… something must be done to relieve the pressure!

We’ll keep you in the loop…

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