Secret Places

11 12 2007

I would say that, up until now, 70% of my life was lived outwardly. By that I mean that I verbally process, tell stories, share things about myself and do things that allow me to interact with the world. Moreover, I would say that most of the population lives like this as well.

But time here has made me realize the truly vast distances that exist between people. I cannot every really know you, and you cannot quite reach me, even if we both want connection and have the best motives.

As far as relationships with the Lord go, He will tell me things about myself; lead me and guide me, but He doesn’t let me in on your secret life. What is the line that Aslan uses? Something along the line of ‘no-one is told any story but their own’. Those of you who have read Silver Chair more recently than I can remind me of what it actually says.

All of this revelation has made a curious change in my character. I still talk, tell stories and do things, but most of my life takes place on the inside. I have a new measure of self-control, a grace for patience and biting my tongue, and a renewed interest in His life in me. Bill Johnson says that he is bored by self-discovery but excited about God-discovery. That’s pretty much how I feel. If I discover a new gift, it’s a pleasure, but is of far less importance than whatever He is saying to me right at that moment.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t gotten this thing down yet. I’m still just a baby at all of it, but my boundaries are much better defined and I’ve learned to say “no” when people want me to do things that I don’t have it in me to do. My love of people hasn’t dimmed at all- frankly I think it is increased by my inner life and the need for solitude which is now met.

But the best news of all…? All of this is great in theory, and up until last night that’s all this was (though a practical kind of theory). The real test of any idea or lifestyle is how it handles a crisis. This inward-turning that the grace of God has taught to me allows me to run straight to Him when things are hard. There are no people or other concerns that want to rise up and interfere. It’s a fancy way of saying that, instead of running to people I go to God.

All of this does have a rather unsavory (to other people) outcome. For whatever the next season is, it will probably seem like I have a lot of secrets- things I am doing that I will not talk about, choices I make without any verbal reasoning behind them etc. You will all please bear with me and trust that I DO have counselors and leaders who are in on it all.

I like the secret places. They aren’t always pretty, but they don’t scare me any more either.

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4 responses

11 12 2007
Father Smith

Meg,

Well put! I love what Jesus is doing in our hearts! He is all about Saving, Healing and Restoration! I walked around outside today just thanking Him, praising Him and just being grateful for all that He has done and is doing! Oh…He is good ALL the time.

I dance independently until your return (which is just around the corner). We will lift a bottle of Coke to celebrate!

Dad

11 12 2007
Jennifer James

thanks dad. Rub salt in the wound why don’t you?
(he’s torturing me because I am salivating for a cokeinabottle…)

13 12 2007
walkingintherain

Aren’t we all?

13 12 2007
Jennifer James

Yes indeed, except I was at wal mart last night and forgot to get any. Such sadness!

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