Waxing Poetical

1 11 2007

John Mayer CD’s make my writing rather poetical. So do sunrises, good smells, people I love and peppermint slice. Maybe I’m just a poetical kind of person.

 But, if that is true, I am faced with a whole lot of other questions. If I can be ignorant of my inherently poetical (and author-ish) self, what other selves am I that I know nothing about?

Lou Engle once said that “you have no idea who you are”. It’s true, really, because who I am is who Christ wishes to be in me. And, since I know so little of the true nature of the godhead, I know very little about myself.

However, I know that if God were to tell me all the people I am meant to be I would crumble under the weight of it all. Some mornings I crumble under just the vague idea that He’s given me of who I will be. (You’d never believe me if I told you!)

I know a few things, and I cling to those things in the face of skepticism, fear and disbelief. Some days it’s hard and some days my entire being leans towards giving up. On those days I read the promises in scripture and walk around praying “God help me!” as a constant inner refrain.

Most of all, though, I dream the big dreams. I imagine a destiny of red velvet and starlight. I think of nights spent on beaches just staring at the sea and days of living a destiny that scares me with just its’ dim echoes. Destinys are scary, you know. They’re bigger than life and the idea that you have to make it happen is crushing. Luckily, I know that if I am going to be everything God says I am going to be, it will be none of my doing. I have absolutely nothing in myself that enables me to achieve it. (That’s not false humility. It’s completely and unarguably true.)

And someday, when you all have seen the realization of that ‘dim echo’, you will realize how crazy that dream was and how great my God is for working it out.

And on that day we will throw a party. In the evening we will all walk out onto the beach and give God the glory for a life lived to the edges of all my possibilities. Together we will stare at waves and marvel at eternity. That will be the best day of all.

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2 responses

1 11 2007
Mother Smith

That indeed will be a grand and glorious day, not because you have “arrived” but because you made the journey.

1 11 2007
walkingintherain

Hooray for mothers who help us see the important stuff! You are utterly correct.

Love you.

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