Struggles of the Heart

21 04 2007


I have recently learned both from books and from my sister’s life that it’s the hard things that are really worthwhile. Now, that is one of the least original statements ever made when taken at face value. This, however, goes far deeper.

I’m not talking about the kid who had to practice for hours and weeks and months to make the basketball team. Nor am I talking about “that which kills us makes us stronger”. There is value in those things, and the hardships in them are real. What I am talking about, though, are the things that wake us up in the night. The ones that come at us like a punch in the gut and shatter our hearts. The things that bring us to our knees- literally. We cry out from the deepest places of our souls and all we can hear are echoes in the darkness. God seems far away and hope becomes a vague memory.

From what I understand, this is what it has been like for my sister. She wants a child. There is an emptiness in her that will only be answered by a child of her body. Granted, I cannot see into her head and I do not know her heart but I can hear it in her voice when she talks about it. This is an ongoing struggle for her- she is fighting a spiritual battle for her unborn children.

I did not get why this was such a big deal until very recently. I was able to skate through most of my life convinced that love was for other people. In a vague teenage-way I knew that someday I would probably get married but it was on the back burner. All at once, though, it crept up on me. My own spiritual battle has begun and I was not prepared for it. Instead of a child, though, I am fighting for Love. It would be easy for me to date these (very nice) guys that surround me. I wouldn’t be in any kind of physical danger and I would probably have some good times. However, the Lord has made it very clear that I am going to have to fight for my Love. I will engage the Enemy in the kind of spiritual battle that my sister is in right now.

I think the difference will be in the end result. I know that Jennifer’s children will be set apart and they will live the fruit of their mother’s struggle. I likewise know that when Love does enter my life it will defy all imagination. In fact, the Lord told me so. I believe his exact words were “You cannot even imagine the life that I have for you.”

For now it hurts. And it hurts badly. I think we humans have to be careful in the manner which we handle each other’s hearts. Where we are fighting is where we are most vulnerable and our  places of strength are the most open for attack. That’s why the sight of pregnant women makes my sister cry and why loneliness is so painful to me. It’s taught me to listen carefully when people talk, and give more hugs and less words when people are hurting. We cannot often understand why things are such a big deal to others . When we don’t get it we have to be twice as careful with what we say.

I feel easily condemned with the way I handle my heart. I am surrounded by wise people who want to give me good advice. But good advice is no subsitute for a sympathetic heart.

The Lord told me last night that the next few years are going to be hard in this regard. I will need plenty of wisdom and discernment. More than that, though, I will need people around me willing to listen and love unconditionally.

Hey, no-one said life was easy. Why should Love be any different?  




4 responses

21 04 2007
Aaron James

Intense but very insightful.

I’m so glad you’re posting.

23 04 2007
Father Smith

I agree with Aaron the James!



23 04 2007

Holy cow.
I am crying at my desk.
I am so glad that I didn’t wear water proof mascara.
I love you Meghan. I am going to be praying for you. TONS. It’s going to be awesome when that guy shows up for you. Let’s intercede together!

24 04 2007

Yes lets! Intercession is so much better than chocolate and loneliness!

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